Exercise and postnatal depression

Postnatal depression is fucking awful. Depression with a baby or child means you can't wallow feeling suicidal in bed. You have to keep going, and going, and going. So how the hell is exercise going to help when all you want to do is curl up by yourself, sleep and try and escape the hell that is your own head?

It helped me as it forms part of who I am. I love running (no shit) so to be able to exercise again helped me feel more like the old me - maybe with a bit more of a saggy tum - but me all the same.

But for mums who hate exercise it can also help for a huge number of reasons. First, when I talk about "exercise" I don't mean training for a sub 4 hour marathon (though that's cool too if that's your bag), I mean getting out of the house. Putting some structure into your crazy kid-filled day. Peeling yourself away from your phone. Putting on your and your kid's shoes and getting out of the door. Going for a walk around the block. Listening to some music. Coming home, feeling just a little brighter. You will feel better for it. I promise.

It's the change of scene. Raising your heartrate a little, deepening your breathing. Getting some fresh air. Saying hello and smiling at someone. Feeling like you've achieved something with the day. Walking (fast or slow) is really, really good for the soul. It helps clear your head, level the anxiety out a little and settle your mind. Exercise releases endorphins which make you feel better about yourself and the world will seem not quite as tilted as before.

Second, exercise can be as social or antisocial as you want it to be. I know when I'm feeling low I really ought to get out there and be friendly, but sometimes I just can't face it. So I go for a walk (or a run or swim if I'm lucky) with just the baby. But, it really, really does make things infinitely better by going for a walk with a friend. And, perhaps not surprisingly, there are now more and more groups springing up for mums who want to go walking. The journalist Bryony Gordon even set up Mental Health Mates as a non judgmental social place to meet other people who were also suffering from mental health problems and to go for a walk. Double hit. If walking isn't your thing, there are plenty of other mum-friendly exercise classes around like yoga or buggyfit.

Third, if you can find some help, taking time out from being a mum to do some exercise can work wonders to ease depression. I try to go to a yoga class or swimming once a week when my husband is at home, or go for a short run before he goes to work. Even just 20 minutes to go for a walk around the block. Exercise WITHOUT THE KIDS really, really helped my sanity. No one else to think about. Time to breathe, listen to a podcast, do some stretches, whatever. I think that's the key thing about exercise - when your body moves, it allows your mind to be still, and that's worth gold dust in these crazy motherhood times.

Richmond Park with babies

Richmond Park is pretty much up there as one of my favourite places of all time. I used to come here in my young, free and single days to do run loops of the park. Over the years I've spotted a celeb or two here too - Nell McAndrew, Andrew Marr, Ben Shepherd plus many gazelle-like Kenyan athletes effortlessly bounding past me. I've got so many lovely memories of the park - all linked to running - so when I was first able to come back here with Freddie I was in my element.I wasn't in a very good place when Freddie was young. I missed London. I missed my freedom and I missed running. We moved out of London just before Freddie was born. In hindsight that was a mistake. I found having a baby almost too overwhelming at times. I felt like I had been hit by a truck but had to carry on as normal as there was no alternative. Some people find the newborn months an absolute breeze. I hated them. I loved Freddie. I just felt completely out of my depth and panicked. That combined with living in a strange, unknown place made for a horrible time, when I happily thought a few months before, it was going to be the best of my life. Just goes to show things are never what you seem. Anyway, getting out of the house on a daily basis was essential for me to maintain any level of sanity on maternity leave. Even better if it was to one of my all time favourite places. We bought a running buggy when Freddie was four months old. Richmond Park is an ideal spot to go running with a buggy as there is offroad gravelly trail all the way around the edge of the park. Plus there are toilets and cafes en route so it's a lovely way to spend a few hours with a baby out in the greenery but with facilities to hand. It's really easy to park there on a weekday, and it's free too! I felt so free again being able to go running in Richmond Park, but with Freddie. I guess one of the hardest things I found about the newborn stage is that you are a little like a prisoner. You are tied to this vulnerable person 24/7. They need you on call day and night. I think I went for a very short jog around six weeks after Freddie arrived, but didn't really manage much till he was around four months old. You are tired, your pelvic floor muscles aren't what they were, you have no time to go to the loo or drink a cup of tea, let alone go for a run! Which made this trip all the more exciting as I felt like the old me again, just with my new best friend and sidekick tagging along!

How exercise helped me regain my identity

No one can prepare you. Such a cliché but true. Before you have your first child, you think you understand what it will be like. I remember thinking the first three months would be chaos but I'd roll with it and then things would slowly fall into place. I imagined lazy days on the sofa watching box sets with baby sleeping soundly on my chest. And for some people this may be true, but it wasn't for me.

My reality was a traumatic birth and a colicky baby who did not feed or sleep well. I felt like I had been been run over by a train. It wasn't just the physical - 2l of blood loss, near death experience, anaemia, general what-the-fuckness about giving birth, it was the mental side that punched me harder than Muhammed Ali on steroids.

Sudden loss of freedom and of independence. Huge, huge responsibility for a human being! With no instructions! It's like being made CEO of a Big Deal Company when you have no experience and are still in primary school. I felt completely out of my depth and it was very very frightening.

I had no confidence and couldn't switch off. There was a small person lying on me, effectively like a wild animal in my eyes, who I had no idea how to read or look after. I just waited with bated breathe for the next howl, wondering what to do. Many people told me "oh you will know what to do, it will come naturally". It didn't for me. I loved this small person but I was also frightened of him.

In hindsight it is easy to say I shouldn't have worried so much. I should have relaxed more. Everything is just a phase. But I couldn't. Instead I turned into a google monster. Googling everything to do with babies and THINGS.THAT.COULD.WRONG. How much should babies cry?Why is he crying so much? Is it normal he cries so much?  What if he had silent reflux? Should I use a dummy? Will his speech be delayed if I use a dummy? How do I use a sling? Which sling should I use? What do I do if my baby hates a sling? I want to be a natural parenting mother but it appears my baby does not like me anyway I try to parent him.

I mourned for my old life. I mourned for routine and sleep and being able to go for a run when I wanted to and knowing what I was doing. I didn't feel like me anymore. I didn't know who I was. I felt so jealous of my husband whose life had stayed relatively the same. He hadn't given birth and he didn't have to breastfeed and he went back to work as normal.


I felt like I had to learn to do easy things again, like a child would. Going for a walk, entering a shop, driving the car. All these tasks seemed too huge and momentous to do anymore with a baby attached to me. Even having a bath was very difficult to do. Going for a run seemed out of the question for a long time. 

However, things do change. My body did recover from birth, and I found enough time to get my trainers back on and get out of the house on my own. There is no question that exercise helped me overcome my experience of postnatal depression. 

Even when not suffering from depression, going for a run has always made me feel in a better mood. I come home feeling more relaxed, confident and with more positive thoughts. Running has always been a good way for me to find the space to think through any issues or negative thoughts and reframe them positively. 

After having my son, finding 20-30 minutes to go for a run was probably my lifeline. It gave me time to just be me, not a mother. Having physical space away from my son was important for me, as if I was in the house with someone else looking after him I still could not switch off and take time out. I needed some space to get some perspective on my situation. And because of how running helps me feel more confident and happy, I would come home feeling much more confident and happy in my ability to be an ok-mum.

Going running also helped me remember that I was still me. Yes the old me might have gone forever - that woman with time on her hands, and no real responsibilities, but underneath the new mum me I was still the same person, and I could still feel part of the real world and participate in something other than being a mother. That may sound selfish to some, but part of my crisis with having my firstborn was I did not feel like myself anymore and felt like I had been excluded from the the rest of the world as I felt unable to do the many things I used to take for granted. 

As I improved I felt ready to enter a few races, which built my confidence further. And this in turn, I think, helped increase my confidence in being an alright mother too. I was doing ok! My son seemed to like me! I felt I could relax and enjoy being a mother more. 

Reflecting back now I wish I could have injected myself with some confidence when I became a mum. It's been a very steep learning curve and I hope this second time around I do feel a little more relaxed. If I don't, I know lacing up my trainers and getting some exercise is going to help big time. Selfish? I don't think so, as a happy me equals a happy mother.